What Is Loud Wins: What Is Hidden Dies
In a world like ours, sex sells.
Why does it sell? Because it is popular. Because it is loud.
People are bold about their sexual dealings. Meanwhile, virgins or celibates are treated like Osu —(a set of people in Igboland considered as outcasts).
You hear statements like:
“If you give other people, e reach my turn you say you wan be celibate, as how?”
Or if a man dates you, his friends say:
“She dey use your head o. E get who she dey give. Maybe she be bi.”
It gets worse if you are stylish. You dress well, smell nice, have clean hair and a good body. They swear on their lives that you are lying. In their minds, you cannot be this attractive and not be having sex.
Sometimes, I genuinely wonder about the realities for men. I would love for an abstinent man to write to me and share his perspective.
In a world where people who are chaste are silenced, I want to be a voice of reason.
If you are a virgin, celibate, or on the journey to becoming one, these are things you MUST do. I am not here to bluff. I am about to give you tips that will make you chaste walk 10,000 times easier.
1. Be loud
This is perhaps the most important thing you will do for yourself.
Whatever you are ashamed of will overpower you. You cannot shame the shameless. There is far more power in words than we realise.
When you are open and confident about your stance, nonsense reduces. It is hard at first, but your life becomes easier. People will judge you, mock you, and say belligerent things. You pay no heed.
The more you are mocked, the louder your choice should become.
Over time, you find your people. You meet like-minded individuals. You date people who see what you see. You attract others who want to live the same way.
Temptation becomes easier to resist because your choice is known. People look up to you. You realise that a slip is no longer just about you, but also about those who draw strength from your journey.
2. Never date someone who is not practising chastity by choice
I learned this the hard way.
Dating someone who is abstinent because you want to be, especially in a close-distance relationship, usually ends in one of three ways:
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You will have sex (the most common outcome).
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One of you will resent the other, or both of you will.
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Very rarely, you marry — and even then, it can go south.
Some people marry out of genuine love. Others marry simply to demystify you.
It is easier and wiser to be with someone who already believes what you believe. Do not stress yourself convincing anyone.
3. Have accountability partners
Without anyone luring you, your body will do the work.
You will have urges. Strong ones. Whether you sanitise your space or not, sex is everywhere; on screens, in conversations, in music.
You will be tempted. It is not a matter of if, but when. Prepare for those days.
4. Stay true to yourself
I do not know why you chose this path. It could be faith, personal conviction, or something else entirely. But never do it for public applause.
Know your why.
On days when things go south, admit it and move on. Do not let anyone label or judge you.
If, for example, you are not having sex but you kiss your partner, do not let people tell you that you are deceiving yourself. For what it is worth, it is yourself you are accountable to not them.
Why are people so bothered about you deceiving yourself? Sounds like crying more than the bereaved to me.
Whatever mistake you make on the journey, own it. Learn from it. Do not allow anyone define you by it.
It is your life. You are allowed to grow, stumble, and rise again.
I will leave you with these four for now.
One final thing: Most people who mock your celibacy journey do not hate you. It’s like fighting something you want to be, but can’t be. I don’t know about others but if I hate something, I don’t spend my time around it. So if people keep talking down on you because of your choice, it’s a “them” problem. Do NOT allow it to faze you.
If you would like to share your celibacy journey, lessons learned, or what has worked for you, please leave a comment or send me an email. I look forward to reading from you.