Hey God,
I pray. I fast. I worship. I give. I serve. I thank. I praise.
But some days, it feels like YOU don’t see my efforts. It feels like pouring water into a basket; everything slips through, nothing stays. No sign, no reassurance, no glimpse of movement.
Imagine loving someone with commitment issues. Someone who doesn’t love you back, who isn’t even interested in your body. Some men can sleep with anything, but this one doesn’t even want you or anything you have to offer.
If you told him you would give your life for him, he would tell you to jump off a cliff. No care, no emotion, no response.
Or think of a deadbeat father, the kind who, when asked how old his child is, says, “Twelve? Sixteen? Something like that,” when the child is actually twenty. That level of indifference.
Some days, that is honestly how I feel about You.
Why do I have to ask for the same things over and over?
Why do I have to toil so much for the bare minimum?
I won’t pretend. I won’t wear a façade. It gets lonely here sometimes.
With people, I understand disappointment. Humans are unpredictable, broken, and often wicked. So when men fail me, I understand it. But You? I struggle to understand it when You feel silent.
Some people will read this and understand instantly. Others will become overly spiritual about it. Whatever helps you sleep at night…
But let me end by saying this: I KNOW God is good even when my feelings are chaotic. Not because Scripture tells me so (some days, I don’t even want to open that book☹️). But because I have seen Him do things in my life that only divinity can do. Not hearsay. Not theory. He did it for me.
So on days like this, I don’t always remind myself of His goodness.
Sometimes, I just let myself feel.
I allow myself to sit in the pain and feel it completely, because if I don’t feel it, how will I recognise the testimony when it comes?
I don’t have a better closing.
Selah.